April Fools Guide: Pokémon Origins: File 1 - Red

Our story starts in a huge room, where Professor Oak gives a lecture of the very interesting creatures that inhabit our world, they are called Pokémon, and he incidentally is known as the Pokémon Professor. He explains that for some people these Pokémon are pets, but other use them to fight, while contributing nothing to society. He then tosses a Pokéball and out pops an Eevee. He asks are you interested in learning about this Pokémon world. He then proclaims "Let's get started" and familiar music plays as we're thrown into a battle between a Gengar and a Nidorino. An annoying announcer straight out of Pokémon Stadium announces that Gengar used Double-Edge after throwing off the Nidorino, who responds with Poison Sting. Then we're thrown into the room of a familiar facsimile of a certain 10-year old, as the battle continues on his television set.

"Red, are you there" asks a woman who is obviously his mother. "Huh?" replies Red in style familiar to same-said familiar facsimile. Red's Mother, who's name is apparently "Red's Mother" says that she "ran into" Professor Oak, who was apparently bumming about the streets, looking for ass, and he told her to tell Red that he finished "that thing", he told him about.



Red then busts out of his room screaming "ALRIGHT", as he gets too close to the edge of the stairs, and tries desperately to keep his balance while holding a weird pose... and then, BLAM! he falls down the stairs and slams onto his face. He then with the attention span of a 10-year old child completely moves past his possible concussion and put his hat on... backwards. I suddenly hate this kid. And rushes out the door, and doesn't even offer to help his mother with the groceries she's currently carrying. He then runs down the streets thinking to himself that finally "it's" done.

He finally makes it to Oak's lab and runs into another familiar, but different face. He calls Oak "Gramps", and tells him that he's going to be first. He then runs into the the lab, with Red quickly in tow. They then barrel into the lab pushing and showing each other, until Oak asks what's the ruckus, and they both run up to him asking about "It" being done. and "it is. "It", is a device known as the Pokédex that automatically records data on Pokémon. It's a high tech encyclopedia, and Red for some reason excitedly proclaims "SCIENCE IS SO AMAZING!" Oak intends to give them both one Pokédex, he then explains that making a complete guide of all the 150 Pokémon has always been his dream, though, how the Pokédex is supposed to automatically record data that Oak assuredly doesn't have is unknown.

Oak can't do it because he's too old, so he fobs his life's work on two 10-year old children instead because, what the fuck else are they doing, right? Gar... um, Gre... um, Blue asks if Oak remembers his promise, and Oak says that he does. He shows a table with three Pokéballs, and he'll give them each the opportunity to choose one. The Fire Pokémon, Charmander, the Water Pokémon, Squirtle, and the Plant Pokémon, Bulbasaur. They can choose the one they like. Blue says that he doesn't need to be greedy like Red for some reason, and allows him to choose first. Red instantly chooses Charmander. His explanation is that because his "father" gave him the name Red, because he hoped he'd grow with the firey-red hot passion of something or other he feels his Pokémon should be a Fire-type. He releases Charmander from his ball and he "graawwlls" happily at his new trainer.

Oak asks if Blue will pick Squirtle, because it's blue, his name is Blue. It makes perfect sense. Blue rescinds this idea that he doesn't have to choose his Pokémon for such a dumbass reason, and picks Squirtle anyway, and assumedly Bulbasaur will be going into the trash after the boys leave. Oak gives the boys permission to give their Pokémon nicknames. Red thinks for a second then decides against it, he's apparently the type who would name his Dog "Dog", it seems. Blue asks if they should "test them out", as if they weren't living things sitting in their arms hearing themselves be referred to as things to be tested out. Red stares dumbly at Blue, who then immediately reascends his offer to fight, then calls him the equivalent of "just a kid", by calling him a beginner, as if he didn't just get his first Pokémon like 10 seconds after Red.

Blue claims that his ambitions are far greater than Red's, and says that now that he has Squirtle, he'll become the best Pokémon trainer in the world, he then rushes off and tells "gramps" that he has his request covered. Oak then reveals that when he was young, he was a serious Pokémon trainer himself, and Charmander let's off a "MAAWWL!"and then Red's off. Red walks down a forest path as a Pidgey comes out of a bush, minding it's own business. He tells Charmander to "go for it", as the startled Pidgey flies and begins using Gust. Red tells Charmander to use Ember, as Pidgey uses, "Fuck this shit, I'm out of here", and flies away, Red tries futilely to throw a Pokéball at the crafty Bird Pokémon.



Red opens his Pokédex to a picture of a Pidgey, but blank space where text would apparently go. "Huh?" asks Red in familiar form again, as he realizes that the Pokédex only records data if he catches the Pokémon. Later, Red is seen chasing down a Rattata, he has Charmander use growl, then tells it to use scratch. Rattata ain't having that shit though, and jumps to avoid it, only to be caught in a Pokéball, and apparently doesn't try to escape. Red his his Pokédex out to discover that yes, it has writing in the blank spaces, apparently explaining what the purple rat Pokémon is. "THAT'S SO COOL" says the easily impressed little boy, and then a montage show him catching a Spearow, a Caterpie, and (assumedly) a totally different Pidgey.



Some little punk gestures and asks if he wants to try to battle against his Pokémon, and sends his little Nidoran♀ out to fight. Red is shocked to see a Pokémon he's never seen before as apparently he thought there were only 4 kinds of Pokémon. Red then sends in Charmander who slams wildly into Nidoran♀. Red then chucks an empty Pokéball at the boy's Pokémon and an invisible force field activates around the Nidoran♀, the Youngster then recalls his ailing Pokémon, and calls Red a fucking thief, Red apparently didn't think the kid would mind him leaving off with his Pokémon. He then asks where he can get his own Nidoran. The Youngster begrudgingly points him in the direction of the Nidoran horde.

Red walks past a sign welcoming him to Viridian City, and Blue comes by and says that he's surprised to see him here so soon, he then calls him slow, and says he thought it would have taken him much longer to figure out how to walk a straight line. Blue asks if his Pokémon has gotten any stronger. Red angrily informs Blue that he just wants to complete the Pokédex. Blue rightly informs him that to do so he will in fact have to face off against stronger Pokémon.



Blue then get's in Red's face, and speaks softly about how he must not be very confident.

Red takes offense to this, and decides to accept his terms. The two then magically slide 20 feet apart from each other and send out their Pokémon. As another familiar face spies on the two children from behind a tree, like some sort of stalker.



Red has Charmander use Growl, as Blue tells Squirtle to use Tackle. Red freaks out and orders an Ember as Charmander looks up at him thinking, "Well, what now?" Charmander swings his tail, as that's apparently where Ember comes from. But his attack misses. Red yells at Charmander to calm the fuck down as Squirtle Tackles him to the ground. Charmander lays on his back as Red orders a Scratch attack. Charmander runs in, misses his scratch (at Squirtle's head) and slams his paw into Squirtle's shell. Red orders another tackle, that misses as Blue orders a tackle that slams into his stomach and knocks him back onto his ass.



Red groans and asks his to us Ember again, and "hurry up", and Blue orders a Bubble. As you'd expect Bubble overpowers Ember, as Red yells at Charmander demanding to know why he's so slow. Blue scoffs and orders another Bubble as Charmander desperately tries to dodge. "don't just run away" orders Red as he tells him to use another Ember. However before he can, Bubble washes over him and Charmander is covered in white liquid. Squirtle then lands on top of Charmander then bite him in the neck as the roll around in the grass, that or they're hardcore gay fucking.

Red is appalled at this public display of eroticism, and recalls Charmander, before he can become a man.

Blue then recalls his Squirtle and and dresses down Red... not in that way fangirls would like him to, and tells him that his style is so predictable. Red begins crying before Blue tells him to just go back to Pallet Town. He'll never make it on his own.

Red later by a river wonders why they aren't at the same level, I mean, they left at the same time, he then begins bashing Charmander's Pokéball against hsi head, which can't feel good for Charmander as a familiar voice tells him that no, the guy who used Squirtle is more experienced. Red asks who he is and why it's none other than traveling voice actor Johnny Yong Bosch, who, for brevity's sake we'll call by his nickname, Brock.

Brock asks Red if he knows anything about Types and characteristics of Pokémon, then tells him he and Charmander aren't in sync. "Not in sink?" asks Red, before telling him it;s a lie. Brock then waxes on about how Blue's Squirtle reacted by trusting Blue's instructions and dodged based on it;s own judgement. Because Blue and Squirtle were connected, Squirtle realized that dodging attacks are better than standing still.

Red thinks he's got it, and heads off. Where to asks Brocko, and he responds by telling him that he intends to fight EVERYONE WITH POKéMON. Brock doesn't stop him, but suggests he head off to the Pokémon Center, it's the only building in the world with a Red roof apparently, Brock also suggests Red face-off against Gym Leader's too, because Red apparently didn't get his ass kicked hard enough for his liking, though he suggests he can learn alot from them, and tells Red to think about what battling is really all about.

In the Pokémon Center, again the only building in the world with a red roof, Red talks to Professor Oak as Oak tells Red that after her catching 6 Pokémon, the rest will automatically be sent to the PC. He doesn't exactly explain why, but Red says that he understands. Oak then takes note that Red is depressed and asks in a bland and totally uninterested voice what's wrong, but Red lies and says that everything is fine. Suddenly a voice calls for him, it's a non-Nurse Joy nurse informing him that his Pokémon are "fighting fit", and they hope to see him get his shit kicked again.

In no time flat Red is apparently in Pewter City, and eavesdrops on two girls talking about the Pewter City Gym Leader Brock who demolished some unfortunate trainer. All Red apparently heard was "gym" and this new challenger has apparently come back everyday, because Brock is "super famous". In even more no time flat, Red is being stonewalled at the entrance to the Pewter City gym, by some bitch who insists that he's a "Million light-years away" from facing Brock, apparently to stupid to know that light-years isn't time, it measures distance.



The guy asks how long he's been with his Pokémon, and he replies "5 days". The stupid bitch who doesn't know what a light-year tells him he makes her laugh as she haughtily waves her hand in his face. Then, Brock tells them that he invited him personally. Red is surprised that that famous voice actor who was creepily watching him from the bushes earlier was also a super famous gym leader (me thinks those girls from earlier exaggerated their "super-famous" claim, just a bit). "You mean you're Brock?" asks Red, who's living up to Blue's claim of being a little slow, and the two yell at him not to speak "like that" to a gym leader (Like what?) . The two officially introduce themselves to each other, Brock asks if he has an answer to the question he asked earlier. Red says that he doesn't, but because he doesn't, that why he's come here. Brock is pleased with his answer, and asks if he has any badges. "Badges?" asks Red, because Brock apparently wasn't clear. But nope, he does not, and Brock decides to fight with these two Pokémon. "With two" asks Red, doing his best impression of a Chatot, which doesn't exist yet.

Brock throws his first Pokéball and out pops a Geodude with a "MEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHH!" as Brock explains his specialty is Rock-type Pokémon. Red then sends out Charmander, the fight starts as some sort of HP monitor appears on screen for some dumb reason. Red immediately orders an Ember, and Geodude takes that shit like it's nothing, he then asks for Scratch and remembers he was counter-attacked at "this" point, so he decides to see what Brocks' going to do. Brock asks what's wrong, Charmander looks worried, and orders Geodude to use Tackle. Red orders another Scratch that Geodude could give zero fucks about. "It's not very effective" says Princess Stupid, Queen of the obvious.

Red again asks for Scratch, and Geodude doesn't care. Brock says that he doesn't seemed to have learned shit, and says he's "pretty sure" he asked about Pokémon types and characteristics. He explains that Pokémon types match-up in totally different ways. "Match up?" asks Red, who is incapable of taking in so many words at once.

Brock straight up tells Red that Fire-type Pokémon are weak to Rock-type Pokémon. "I DON'T GET IT, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY" says Red who's still trying to grasp that he's in a gym and that guy he meet earlier was Brock, and what the fuck that tiny dragon lizard thing has fire on it's tail.

Brock asks that he does have other Pokémon with him, right? "Huh?" asks Red mesmerized at the idea that that talking man-person from earlier was Brock the gym leader and what the fuck are other Pokémon?

He tells him that it's too difficult to fight at such a disadvantage "I get it", says Red clearly lying so Brock stops messing with his mind, and he sends in Nidoran, a male one and has it use Double Kick. Geodude doesn't like this as much and squeals that it's "Super effective". Yeah! He beat a Rock-type Pokémon. Brock recalls his Geodude, and sends in Onix. "Another Rock-type?" asks Red who clearly missed that earlier thing when Brock said he specializes in Rock-type Pokémon,Brock repeats this, but surely Red missed it again.

Red then has Nidoran♂ use Double Kick again, as Brock calls for Bide. Brock explains that Bide means that Onix can't attack until he gets hit 2 times (what if he gets Double Slapped?). Red is confused, which seems to be his default, because he could be defeated in two turns (anyone who's ever played the games didn't need two turns to beat Onix), but Brock scoffs at the idea, because he believes in Onix (PFFFTHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!), anyway, Nidoran♂ get's it's second hit in and hangs on. Johnny Yong Bosch really turns up the voice acting and yells "DOUBLE THE DAMAGE", as the phallic Rock Snake uses it's tail to slam Nidoran♂ into the video board forcing Red to recall it. Brock finishes explaining that Bide allows it to return DOUBLE THE DAMAGE, you know... if it survives. Red grumps, then sends in... Spearow. It flies at Onix who slaps it away with it's tail. Red recalls Spearow and sends in Rattata who climbs up Onix's body until getting slapped away, and recalled by Red.

Red becomes the first and last person in the world to insist that Onix is "too fast", and has Metapod use String Shot to cover Onix in sticky white liquid. Brock gestures wildly and claims that "it" won;t work and Onix breaks out of the String... you know, just like in the game. Red orders another String Shot, but Brock remembers he's supposed to be ordering Onix to attack and tell him to use tackle, and knocks the shit out of Metapod, forcing Red to recall him.



Red realizes he only has one Pokémon left, and presses Charmander back into the fight. Apparently watching Onix kick the shit out of Red's Pokémon worked up quite the sweat for the two trainers who instead just watched on the sidelines and did nothing. Red even thinks this makes no sense, and says he gets' it. His Pokémon and he are his partners and he feels like he's taking damage like them. I'm pretty sure his Pokémon who spent the last several minutes getting smacked around by a giant rock snake might have something different to say about that, but oh well.

Brock notes that they're both almost out of HP, in their convoluted HP system, and the first one to attack should win. Charmander barks at Onix, because why not? Red orders Scratch as Brock orders Tackle. The boy claims that their speed is identical, meaning Red got his hands on the slowest Charmander in the world. And Onix while in mid-air begins hurtling towards the bitch from earlier, who watches as her swift death approaches... until Brock recalls Onix.

Oix's HP runs out, and the girl wonders why, and a string falls into her hands. It's Metapod's. Brock thought Onix tore off all the string, but that one strand made Onix a split-second to slow...

WHAT! THE! FUCK!

ONE! FUCKING! STRING!

ONIX WAS TOO SLOW BECAUSE OF ONE FUCKING STRING!

FUCKING REALLY?

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? THAT HAS TO BE THE STUPIDEST GODDAMN FUCKING THING I EVER HEARD!



*ahem* Brock anyway congratulates Red on his stupid fucking victory and awards him the Boulder Badge. He also gives him a floppy disk, because this took place in 1985. It's TM35 and contains the move "Bide", since Pokémon are apparently the equivalent to Commodore 64's and come with floppy disk drives. He can use it to teach the move to any of his Pokémon, or like most people toss it the second he runs out of room for items. The girl asks why he accepted his challenge so soon, and Brock's answer is that he found him intriguing. When he asked him that question he said he was still looking for the answer, though this may be because he was trying to figure out the best strategy to catch the giant talking Pokémon instead. And when Professor Oak is asked why he choose Red for such an important mission, he insists that it's because he's an honest (and stupid) person, but he just hopes that Blue can grow. Unlike Red he is too good, so that makes him arrogant.

Red then thinks to himself, that he will get stronger. Much stronger... AND HE WILL COMPLETE THE POKEDEX.