Post by Swampert on Jul 20, 2014 15:29:27 GMT -4
JAPANESE NAME: ショウヨウジム戦！ピカチュウ対チゴラス！！ENGLISH NAME: Climbing the Walls! MY ENTITLEMENT: Stupid Boy Versus Stoned Rasta. DODGINESS RATING: 2.5/5 ANIMATION: 5/5 STORY: The twerps FINALLY reach Cyllage City, and Ash gets high on Gym battle (both renditions). TEAM ROCKET: Nope. Would be redundant anyway. MORAL LEARNT: Size doesn’t matter.
FINALLY!! The twerps finally reached Cyllage City!
Here are two random pictures for you:
Here you see a self-contended fat cat with a fat cat wannabe on his shoulder.
And here the uber-happy fat cat wannabe thinks he did something , while the actual fat cat looks at him in disdain, thinking to himself: “Nah, the rat ain’t got shit!”.
Ash is very confident in his abilities, and expresses his excitement about challenging the Cyllage Gym, thus attracting the attention of nearby soulless, nameless, voiceless, and useless masses.
Previously, while in the Battle Chateau, the Gym Leader – Grant, who falls desperately in love with every wall he faces, and therefore compares everything to them, stated that he’s going to be a tough wall to climb. But hey! He is just another Gym Leader! One more obstacle in the way to the ultimate (and seemingly endless) path! So, in order to reach the top, Ash has to keep…
Ash immediately started mindlessly rushing ahead, when he hit the brakes hard, grinding his tyres on the ground, creating smoke from the excessive traction, and making that screeching noise, but not before Serena stopped him to inform that the Gym is in the other way. Then, they look up a mountain, stating that the Gym is way up there.
Wow, Grant sure likes to get high! And, by the looks of it, the twerps are gonna get high as well!
They are finally at the Gym, which is actually a wall consisting of colourful stones, all the way to the top. They spot Rasta, who, for some reason, also has colourful stones on his hair. He is climbing the wall, as usual, and asks the twerps to do the same. That’s right. They have to climb up that wall in order to have a battle, because the battlefield is at the top!
Serena (as expected) has trouble believing this; she exclaims “No way!”, but Bonnie, not having the slightest sense of danger, is all about hell yeah “Yes way!”. Man, this Rasta likes to get high himself AND have his challengers get high as well, so they can “feel” the rocks; in other words, get stoned. Yeah, it’s a Rock type Gym, we get it, but this is ridiculous!
Apparently, Rasta, the Gym’s other stuff, and the Pokemon League HQ (since they approved of his Gym) take charge of no responsibility if anything happens. We’ll just let ten-year olds climb up a huge wall, with no safety measures whatsoever, or even health insurance. Who cares if a rock cracks, or if they accidentally take a false step and fall down to their death? And don’t you dare try to apply logic to the Pokemon world and ask why. Just don’t. It’s like trying to weigh yourself with a tape measure.
Fortunately, there is an elevator they can use. Grant is actually sane enough to accept the challenge, whether they decide to take the elevator or not, and, most importantly, Serena won’t have to risk scratching a nail! But no! Ash is a manly man! Testosterone flows all over his body, and prefers the hard and manly way! Ain’t gonna bother with a girly pansy elevator! Elevators are for pussies! Therefore, BadAsh is going for the wall! Bonnie is eager to climb up as well, but Clemont holds her back. She is a girl and he is a pansy and they are all taking the elevator and that’s that!
Meanwhile, Rasta is done climbing. Damn my jinx – Ash actually totters, and is about to fall over! He barely manages to hold on, while the twerps pissed themselves in fear. Just as expected, Rasta could not give less of a shit – he looks down on Ash with a swelled head full of arrogance.
But this doesn’t hold him back; he keeps on climbing, with his yellow electric rat pulling a badass face while doing literally NOTHING other than adding weight on his shoulder. Eventually, Ash made it to the top, with the other twerps catching up soon after (with the elevator, of course!). It should be noted here that Pikachu the smug bastard got off Ash’s shoulder as soon as he reached the top and started struggling to get up. “HEY LOOK, MORON! I WAS NOTHING BUT A BURDEN TO YOU WHILE CLIMBING, AND NOW I FUCKING BEAT YOU! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!”
Well, having seen things like this
in the past, climbing up that huge wall comes as no surprise.
While Ash is struggling to catch his breath, Rasta takes the opportunity to ask him a rather bizarre question: So, what were you thinking while you were climbing?.....
…..BUAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
*snicker* *smirk* Shouldn’t the answer be obvious?! Ash replies with a proud attitude that he wasn’t thinking about ANYTHING! Rasta answers back: That’s perfect. The one dumber than the other, I guess. C’mon! We like our people brainless!
It seems like the weird Rasta is trying to get into a “philosophical” discussion, as he keeps asking: So, what were you looking at?” Surprisingly (or unsurprisingly!), Ash takes some time to “think” of such an obvious answer, and he finally responds: Straight up!
Oh, man! How stupid is this shit? Get on with the battle already! But wait! There is more!
“Excellent!” says Rasta. “That means you have achieved the state of enlightenment!”… Ash?... Enlightenment?!... Should I?... Probably not… for now… So, the moral here is: You have to have a COMPLETELY EMPTY mind in order to achieve the state of enlightenment.
“Your mind was crystal clear! Unclouded!” Grant, the thing is, Ash’s mind is ALWAYS crystal clear!
Dexter is the only one who came up with a valid question: WHY does he have challengers climb the wall? Of course, Rasta is too high (both literally and metaphorically!) to give a valid answer, so he starts talking bullshit about inner peace achievement, about thinking nothing when climbing a wall, and wanting challengers to be just as mindless, and in the same state of “enlightenment” as him. Wow this guy does get high after all, both literally and metaphorically! Perhaps, what he meant to say is that you must focus on your goal and nothing else, but he worded and executed it poorly. He put challengers in his place, with his own goal, and then he emphasizes how you have to be completely empty-headed in order to achieve the state of enlightenment. Either way, Ash and Pikachu are totally amused, without knowing the reason of course, and ready for battle!
After all the stoner moral Tauros-droppings, the battle is finally about to begin! Grant will be using two Pokemon, while Ash is allowed to use… ALL of his current Pokemon!? That’s right, Rasta wants challengers to give it everything they’ve got! This is how things are done in the 420th Gym! Grant reveals his giant phallic snake (GETCHA MINDS OUTTA DA GUTTA), Onix, while Ash sends out Frog Jesus who ain’t giving a shit about laws of physics and walks on water!
Clemont does his job as a coach and explains the type matchups, while Serena clasps her hands together, catching the notice of Bonnie. Serena does look very worried (although she denies it), despite Ash being the one challenging the Gym Leader, and even tho…..
KAWAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!
NOW she understands what it REALLY means to earn a Gym Badge! Ever since Ash saw Grant at the Battle Chateau, he’s been doing nothing but training for the Cyllage Gym challenge, well, he tried at least.
BUT NO! HE ALSO HAD A DUMB AS FUCK GIRLY GIRL THAT IS SO GIRLY GIRL THAT HER FUKKEN’ FANTASIES AND ACTIONS ARE ANOTHER GIRLS GET IN HIS WAY WHO TRIED TO SEDUCE HIM WHILE BEING HALFNAKED DRESSED IN ORDER TO HELP HER MATERIALIZE HER GIRLY FANTASIES AND PROMOTE HER AND HER POKEMON’S ATTRACTIVE QUALITIES AND UPLOAD THEM TO THE INTERNET AND CARRIED HIM TO NARCOLEPTICALLY BORING AQUARIUMS AND BULLSHIT AND ON TOP OF ALL HER FOXY BITCH SCORED TWO DIRECT EMBERS IN HIS FACE AS A FAVOUR OF HELPING THEM ALSO FUCK COMMAS! 
At least now I know who is partially responsible for
Thanks! Welcome to my Blacklist! Even Team Rocket get in Ash’s way, but at least they offer him some battling experience (albeit minimal), and they have the decency to leave him alone at the end of each episode, unlike you, who stalks, and will keep stalking him for the entire saga!
BRING BACK ANY GIRL (except Iris)!!
Hey, aren’t we forgetting someone? DEDENNE! Yes, another fucking useless character finally decided to show up! In the near half of the episode!
Okay, end of nonsense, LET THE BATTLE BEGIN!
Ash orders a Water Pulse, while Onix dodges at the last second and successfully strikes back with Flash Cannon, causing Frog Jesus to grind on the ground with a few backflips, just like Ash with his tyres before. But that ain’t stopping Frog Jesus who despises the laws of physics and walks on water, ye’ hear? Rasta has his giant rock snake use Rock Polish, in an attempt to match the Emotional Frog’s speed, but that ain’t dealing with Frog Jesus, ye’ hear? He uses Double Team in response and surrounds Onix, which retaliates with the move: ROCK TOMB!
Here it comes! Ash has the emotional frog and His shadow clones go straight for it.
GO, FROG JESUS! HYDROSTATIC PRESSURE, BUOYANCY AND FRIENDS MEAN NOTHING TO YOU, YOU AIN’T GONNA GET DOWN BY A PUNY ROCK TOMB, YE’ HEAR? LET THIS ROCK BE ONIX’S TOMB, SO THAT YOU CAN CARVE A LEMONADE-SHAPED GRAVESTONE ON A FARAWAY ISLAND AND LEAVE AN ACTUAL LEMONADE UNDER IT AS A MEMORIAL AND THE GUY WILL GIVE YOU TM42 (Facade)!
The nature-ditching Messiah uses the falling rocks to jump higher and higher and up the phallic snake,
surprising even the somewhat cocky (as shown in the Battle Chateau) Rasta in the process. Ash calls this counter-strategy the “Froakie Rock Tomb Climb”!... B… But… That’s just a description! This is the result of too much company with Clemont! Serena and Bonnie, however, are impressed. I can’t blame them, though; in fact, in the Japanese version, it was called the “Rock Tomb Tomb”, much more badass. Frog Jesus who ain’t giving a shit about the rocks either, continues to climb up and fires a Water Pulse RIGHT IN THE HARD ROCK SNAKE’S FUCKING FACE! This was not enough to bring it down though, and Rasta orders an Iron Tail, which Badass Ninja Frog barely avoids with grace.
The Emotional Frog goes on to climb up on Onix, as He is a good climber (He is good at EVERYTHING!), and hangs on to its face, despite the rock snake’s futile attempts to shake Him off. He then fires ANOTHER Water Pulse AGAIN RIGHT IN THE FUCKING FACE! Oh dear, how I love those RIGHT IN THE FUCKING FACE attacks! They are badass and that’s that! After that, it goes without saying that Onix went down and out. See? Frog Jesus ain’t giving a shit about laws of physics, ain’t giving a shit about rocks and ain’t giving a shit about giant phallic snakes, either!
Well, the moisture of the Gym was increased just before the battle started, thus slightly powering up Water type moves, which made the victory that much easier, right Serena?
Ash throws an old motto out of nowhere (I’m not sure if he knows what it means): The best defense is a good offense! THIS is how he battles! Everyone is happy and all, but Ash still has one more Pokemon to beat in order to get that damned Badge!
Grant is about to send out his second and final Pokemon – a Tyrunt. Oh, shit! Judging by its name, and the fact that it is Rasta’s powerhouse, it must be something terrifying! Even more so than a giant rock snake! A fucking Tyrannosaurus! Maybe something akin to Tyranitar, but more ferocious?! He throws the Pokeball, and a Tyrannosaurus comes out indeed, letting out a roar, and… WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?! This thing is less than one meter long! Is this the big, terrifying dinosaur? Oh, well, we’ll see in the process.
Ash scans that dwarf with his Pokedex: Tyrunt, the Royal Heir Pokemon. Tyrunt’s jaws are so big (compared to its body, at least) and powerful, it can crunch up a car. If it doesn’t like something, it responds with a tantrum. Clemont also informs the viewers that it is both Rock and Dragon type, and the GTA Traffic Light Power Generator is horrified, despite not taking part in the battle at all.
Ash is asked whether he wants to substitute Pokemon or not, but no, he knows what he’s doing; he’s sticking with Frog Jesus. The battle continues, the Emotional Frog starts off with a Double Team, surrounding the mini dinosaur, while Rasta uses the same strategy as before: he has Tyrunt use Rock Tomb. There is one problem, though. The rocks are moving faster this time around! But ye’ know Frog Jesus ain’t giving a shit about rocks, don’t ya’? He once again climbs up the rocks, fascinating Rasta, who saw this a little while ago, and yet he STILL uses the same strategy, and Ash finds the opportunity to call for a… nice Water Pulse? Nope. Bubble. As expected, the attack doesn’t do much damage, but it somehow creates a smoke! You know, the cheap trick where all attacks result into smoke to make them look badass? That’s right. Suddenly, Tyrunt makes a huge jump (under Rasta’s commands), above the smoke, and even Frog Jesus and fires off a… DRACO METEOR! Meteors start falling into the ground, hitting all the shadow clones (including the Messiah himself). Unfortunately this proved too much for Frog Jesus to handle, and, after the smoke cleared, He was found lying on the ground unconscious, with His legs wide open.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
To knock out the nature defying Messiah just like that… This tiny dinosaur must be pretty tough after all! Rasta takes pride on Tyrunt’s legs, Rock Tomb and Draco Meteor, but this isn’t enough to discourage the brainless Ashy boy! The stronger the opponent, the more fun the battle! ALL HAIL COCKFIGHTING!
Ash is ready to climb any wall he faces, and sends out his next Pokemon… Fletchling?! Using a tiny little and barely trained bird in a Rock type Gym, and against such a strong opponent is only asking for trouble; he’ll do nothing but hurt it. Regardless, the battle goes on, and Ash orders a Razor Wind, while Tyrunt counters with Crunch and… literally ate the move?! Ash calls for a Double Team, this time with Fletchling, and goes straight for the dwarf with Steel Wing. Tyrunt jumps up again, retaliating with Dragon Tail, hitting all the shadow clones while in the air, because fuck gravity (hey, another outlaw!), before getting directly hit by the real bird’s Steel Wing. Tyrunt didn’t budge an inch, however, and immediately hit back with Dragon Tail, knocking the bird out, AGAIN with the legs wide open.
This birdy bird may be so birdy bird that its fukken’ eye is another bird, but this ultra birdiness didn’t help it much in this Gym. Also, Tyrunt seems much more powerful than Onix. Despite the Great James’ past claims, it seems that size doesn’t really matter after all! For Pokemon, at least. So, what the hell was James thinking back then?!!
Now it’s all up to Pikachu. Thanks to Fletchling (and Frog Jesus - He fainted for Ash’s bullshit!), Ash now knows all of Tyrunt’s moves. On the other hand, Pikachu is an Electric type, while Tyrunt is half-Dragon type, theoretically giving Tyrunt the advantage, and Rock Tomb Climb won’t work against Draco Meteor, or so Rasta thinks. The final part of the battle starts, Pikachu goes straight for Tyrunt with a Quick Attack, while mini dinosaur does the same with Crunch…..
FUCK YOU TPCi, PUSA, PUSSY (Pokemon of United States Screw You), OR WHATEVER YOU’RE CALLED! YOU SCRIMPY BASTARDS, DOES IT COST THAT MUCH TO ASK FOR PERMISSION IN ORDER TO USE THE
BATTLE THEME?
Ah… ‘Muricans…
For those who don’t know, the
Battle Theme was playing during the battle between Pikachu and Tyrunt in the original Japanese version, but those cheap ‘Muricans wouldn’t throw a little more budget to be allowed to keep the awesome music in the dub!
Anyway, Pikachu jumps upon the little-but-powerful Tyrannosaurus’ head at the last second, which switches to Draco Meteor. The yellow rat strikes Tyrunt with Iron Tail on the head, and subsequently goes straight for Draco Meteor… with Draco Meteor climb! Yes, Pikachu strikes the meteorites one by one with Iron Tail, while jumping higher and higher, just like Frog Jesus did with Rock Tomb. Tyrunt jumps up high, going after Pikachu with a Dragon Tail, which collides with the electric rat’s still intact Iron Tail.
Neither side is giving in, and Rasta decides to wrap this up with his favourite move - Rock Tomb, but Ash is ready for it. He has Pikachu deflect the rocks with Iron Tail,
which causes Tyrunt to roar at it in anger, when…
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! This is what you get for not keeping your cool and wildly barking at everything that pisses you off, bitch!
Ash finishes this off with HIS favourite move: The good old Thunderbolt! It scores a direct hit, which knocks the angry dwarf out, causing it to spit smoke from its mouth, just like Rasta does before he starts climbing a wall and talking shit when nobody’s watching.
THEY FINALLY WON! Everyone is happy, Pikachu collapses into the ground exhausted, and so does Clemont, while throwing the epic quote: Aah! Dat Ash never ceases to amaze me!
The twerps go to congratulate Ash, (Clemont with a nerdy run for such a short distance), and then the usual bullshit follows… Blah blah blah… Excellent work… Blah blah blah… You were awesome… Blah blah blah… Worked together… Blah blah blah… Friendship… Blah blah blah… Earned victory…
Finally, Rasta approaches with hands wide open to… hand the Cliff Badge over to Ash. So, Ash has earned his second Badge, after an amazing battle, but now? What is his next destination? Has he decided yet? Nope! Don’t sweat it, though! Serena suggests the Shalour City Gym! It also has the Tower of Mastery, which she shows on her Town Map…
Hey! I call this bullshit! Clemont also has a Town Map (remember?), but they discarded it, so they could give Serena some use, while she actually is practically useless. As if this was not infuriating enough, she says that she ALWAYS wanted to go see the Tower of Mastery! Like Mega Evolution is much of your business! Ah, forget it. I’m getting tired (and tiring!) of this nonsense!
Rasta says that Ash might have a different battle experience in the Shalour Gym than his typical Gym battle. He can guarantee that the Gym Leader will be a fierce wall for Ash to climb…
Yeah, Grant, all that is good, but, why don’t you tell us how many fillers the viewers have to put up with until then instead?
So, it’s settled then! The twerps are about to set off to Shalour City! Everyone is excited; it will be fun, more andventures (HOPEFULLY not boring), while Clemont wonders what kind of Gym it is. Rasta immediately changes the subject, of course, and suggests a rematch at the Battle Chateau! There is one problem, though. If Ash wants to have a rematch, he must earn the title of Grand Duke! Okay, let me see Ash as a Grand Duke, and then I can die in peace!
Ash is confident; that is another part of becoming a Pokemon Master (if only he remembered what that means). But now the Chateau is not of primary importance. The twerps are heading for Shalour City first, and, to find out where they will be heading next, we must keep track of their journey, be it awesome episodes like this, or boring as fuck fillers. In other words, there is a long, long journey…
BEST QUOTES
Clemont: “Aah! Dat Ash never ceases to amaze me!”
FINALLY!! The twerps finally reached Cyllage City!
Here are two random pictures for you:
Here you see a self-contended fat cat with a fat cat wannabe on his shoulder.
And here the uber-happy fat cat wannabe thinks he did something , while the actual fat cat looks at him in disdain, thinking to himself: “Nah, the rat ain’t got shit!”.
Ash is very confident in his abilities, and expresses his excitement about challenging the Cyllage Gym, thus attracting the attention of nearby soulless, nameless, voiceless, and useless masses.
Previously, while in the Battle Chateau, the Gym Leader – Grant, who falls desperately in love with every wall he faces, and therefore compares everything to them, stated that he’s going to be a tough wall to climb. But hey! He is just another Gym Leader! One more obstacle in the way to the ultimate (and seemingly endless) path! So, in order to reach the top, Ash has to keep…
Ash immediately started mindlessly rushing ahead, when he hit the brakes hard, grinding his tyres on the ground, creating smoke from the excessive traction, and making that screeching noise, but not before Serena stopped him to inform that the Gym is in the other way. Then, they look up a mountain, stating that the Gym is way up there.
Wow, Grant sure likes to get high! And, by the looks of it, the twerps are gonna get high as well!
They are finally at the Gym, which is actually a wall consisting of colourful stones, all the way to the top. They spot Rasta, who, for some reason, also has colourful stones on his hair. He is climbing the wall, as usual, and asks the twerps to do the same. That’s right. They have to climb up that wall in order to have a battle, because the battlefield is at the top!
Serena (as expected) has trouble believing this; she exclaims “No way!”, but Bonnie, not having the slightest sense of danger, is all about hell yeah “Yes way!”. Man, this Rasta likes to get high himself AND have his challengers get high as well, so they can “feel” the rocks; in other words, get stoned. Yeah, it’s a Rock type Gym, we get it, but this is ridiculous!
Apparently, Rasta, the Gym’s other stuff, and the Pokemon League HQ (since they approved of his Gym) take charge of no responsibility if anything happens. We’ll just let ten-year olds climb up a huge wall, with no safety measures whatsoever, or even health insurance. Who cares if a rock cracks, or if they accidentally take a false step and fall down to their death? And don’t you dare try to apply logic to the Pokemon world and ask why. Just don’t. It’s like trying to weigh yourself with a tape measure.
Fortunately, there is an elevator they can use. Grant is actually sane enough to accept the challenge, whether they decide to take the elevator or not, and, most importantly, Serena won’t have to risk scratching a nail! But no! Ash is a manly man! Testosterone flows all over his body, and prefers the hard and manly way! Ain’t gonna bother with a girly pansy elevator! Elevators are for pussies! Therefore, BadAsh is going for the wall! Bonnie is eager to climb up as well, but Clemont holds her back. She is a girl and he is a pansy and they are all taking the elevator and that’s that!
Meanwhile, Rasta is done climbing. Damn my jinx – Ash actually totters, and is about to fall over! He barely manages to hold on, while the twerps pissed themselves in fear. Just as expected, Rasta could not give less of a shit – he looks down on Ash with a swelled head full of arrogance.
But this doesn’t hold him back; he keeps on climbing, with his yellow electric rat pulling a badass face while doing literally NOTHING other than adding weight on his shoulder. Eventually, Ash made it to the top, with the other twerps catching up soon after (with the elevator, of course!). It should be noted here that Pikachu the smug bastard got off Ash’s shoulder as soon as he reached the top and started struggling to get up. “HEY LOOK, MORON! I WAS NOTHING BUT A BURDEN TO YOU WHILE CLIMBING, AND NOW I FUCKING BEAT YOU! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!”
Well, having seen things like this
in the past, climbing up that huge wall comes as no surprise.
While Ash is struggling to catch his breath, Rasta takes the opportunity to ask him a rather bizarre question: So, what were you thinking while you were climbing?.....
…..BUAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
*snicker* *smirk* Shouldn’t the answer be obvious?! Ash replies with a proud attitude that he wasn’t thinking about ANYTHING! Rasta answers back: That’s perfect. The one dumber than the other, I guess. C’mon! We like our people brainless!
It seems like the weird Rasta is trying to get into a “philosophical” discussion, as he keeps asking: So, what were you looking at?” Surprisingly (or unsurprisingly!), Ash takes some time to “think” of such an obvious answer, and he finally responds: Straight up!
Oh, man! How stupid is this shit? Get on with the battle already! But wait! There is more!
“Excellent!” says Rasta. “That means you have achieved the state of enlightenment!”… Ash?... Enlightenment?!... Should I?... Probably not… for now… So, the moral here is: You have to have a COMPLETELY EMPTY mind in order to achieve the state of enlightenment.
“Your mind was crystal clear! Unclouded!” Grant, the thing is, Ash’s mind is ALWAYS crystal clear!
Dexter is the only one who came up with a valid question: WHY does he have challengers climb the wall? Of course, Rasta is too high (both literally and metaphorically!) to give a valid answer, so he starts talking bullshit about inner peace achievement, about thinking nothing when climbing a wall, and wanting challengers to be just as mindless, and in the same state of “enlightenment” as him. Wow this guy does get high after all, both literally and metaphorically! Perhaps, what he meant to say is that you must focus on your goal and nothing else, but he worded and executed it poorly. He put challengers in his place, with his own goal, and then he emphasizes how you have to be completely empty-headed in order to achieve the state of enlightenment. Either way, Ash and Pikachu are totally amused, without knowing the reason of course, and ready for battle!
After all the stoner moral Tauros-droppings, the battle is finally about to begin! Grant will be using two Pokemon, while Ash is allowed to use… ALL of his current Pokemon!? That’s right, Rasta wants challengers to give it everything they’ve got! This is how things are done in the 420th Gym! Grant reveals his giant phallic snake (GETCHA MINDS OUTTA DA GUTTA), Onix, while Ash sends out Frog Jesus who ain’t giving a shit about laws of physics and walks on water!
Clemont does his job as a coach and explains the type matchups, while Serena clasps her hands together, catching the notice of Bonnie. Serena does look very worried (although she denies it), despite Ash being the one challenging the Gym Leader, and even tho…..
KAWAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!
NOW she understands what it REALLY means to earn a Gym Badge! Ever since Ash saw Grant at the Battle Chateau, he’s been doing nothing but training for the Cyllage Gym challenge, well, he tried at least.
BUT NO! HE ALSO HAD A DUMB AS FUCK GIRLY GIRL THAT IS SO GIRLY GIRL THAT HER FUKKEN’ FANTASIES AND ACTIONS ARE ANOTHER GIRLS GET IN HIS WAY WHO TRIED TO SEDUCE HIM WHILE BEING HALF
At least now I know who is partially responsible for
{Spoiler}Ash’s upcoming loss at the Pokemon League!
Thanks! Welcome to my Blacklist! Even Team Rocket get in Ash’s way, but at least they offer him some battling experience (albeit minimal), and they have the decency to leave him alone at the end of each episode, unlike you, who stalks, and will keep stalking him for the entire saga!
BRING BACK ANY GIRL (except Iris)!!
Hey, aren’t we forgetting someone? DEDENNE! Yes, another fucking useless character finally decided to show up! In the near half of the episode!
Okay, end of nonsense, LET THE BATTLE BEGIN!
Ash orders a Water Pulse, while Onix dodges at the last second and successfully strikes back with Flash Cannon, causing Frog Jesus to grind on the ground with a few backflips, just like Ash with his tyres before. But that ain’t stopping Frog Jesus who despises the laws of physics and walks on water, ye’ hear? Rasta has his giant rock snake use Rock Polish, in an attempt to match the Emotional Frog’s speed, but that ain’t dealing with Frog Jesus, ye’ hear? He uses Double Team in response and surrounds Onix, which retaliates with the move: ROCK TOMB!
Here it comes! Ash has the emotional frog and His shadow clones go straight for it.
GO, FROG JESUS! HYDROSTATIC PRESSURE, BUOYANCY AND FRIENDS MEAN NOTHING TO YOU, YOU AIN’T GONNA GET DOWN BY A PUNY ROCK TOMB, YE’ HEAR? LET THIS ROCK BE ONIX’S TOMB, SO THAT YOU CAN CARVE A LEMONADE-SHAPED GRAVESTONE ON A FARAWAY ISLAND AND LEAVE AN ACTUAL LEMONADE UNDER IT AS A MEMORIAL AND THE GUY WILL GIVE YOU TM42 (Facade)!
The nature-ditching Messiah uses the falling rocks to jump higher and higher and up the phallic snake,
surprising even the somewhat cocky (as shown in the Battle Chateau) Rasta in the process. Ash calls this counter-strategy the “Froakie Rock Tomb Climb”!... B… But… That’s just a description! This is the result of too much company with Clemont! Serena and Bonnie, however, are impressed. I can’t blame them, though; in fact, in the Japanese version, it was called the “Rock Tomb Tomb”, much more badass. Frog Jesus who ain’t giving a shit about the rocks either, continues to climb up and fires a Water Pulse RIGHT IN THE HARD ROCK SNAKE’S FUCKING FACE! This was not enough to bring it down though, and Rasta orders an Iron Tail, which Badass Ninja Frog barely avoids with grace.
The Emotional Frog goes on to climb up on Onix, as He is a good climber (He is good at EVERYTHING!), and hangs on to its face, despite the rock snake’s futile attempts to shake Him off. He then fires ANOTHER Water Pulse AGAIN RIGHT IN THE FUCKING FACE! Oh dear, how I love those RIGHT IN THE FUCKING FACE attacks! They are badass and that’s that! After that, it goes without saying that Onix went down and out. See? Frog Jesus ain’t giving a shit about laws of physics, ain’t giving a shit about rocks and ain’t giving a shit about giant phallic snakes, either!
Well, the moisture of the Gym was increased just before the battle started, thus slightly powering up Water type moves, which made the victory that much easier, right Serena?
Ash throws an old motto out of nowhere (I’m not sure if he knows what it means): The best defense is a good offense! THIS is how he battles! Everyone is happy and all, but Ash still has one more Pokemon to beat in order to get that damned Badge!
Grant is about to send out his second and final Pokemon – a Tyrunt. Oh, shit! Judging by its name, and the fact that it is Rasta’s powerhouse, it must be something terrifying! Even more so than a giant rock snake! A fucking Tyrannosaurus! Maybe something akin to Tyranitar, but more ferocious?! He throws the Pokeball, and a Tyrannosaurus comes out indeed, letting out a roar, and… WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?! This thing is less than one meter long! Is this the big, terrifying dinosaur? Oh, well, we’ll see in the process.
Ash scans that dwarf with his Pokedex: Tyrunt, the Royal Heir Pokemon. Tyrunt’s jaws are so big (compared to its body, at least) and powerful, it can crunch up a car. If it doesn’t like something, it responds with a tantrum. Clemont also informs the viewers that it is both Rock and Dragon type, and the GTA Traffic Light Power Generator is horrified, despite not taking part in the battle at all.
Ash is asked whether he wants to substitute Pokemon or not, but no, he knows what he’s doing; he’s sticking with Frog Jesus. The battle continues, the Emotional Frog starts off with a Double Team, surrounding the mini dinosaur, while Rasta uses the same strategy as before: he has Tyrunt use Rock Tomb. There is one problem, though. The rocks are moving faster this time around! But ye’ know Frog Jesus ain’t giving a shit about rocks, don’t ya’? He once again climbs up the rocks, fascinating Rasta, who saw this a little while ago, and yet he STILL uses the same strategy, and Ash finds the opportunity to call for a… nice Water Pulse? Nope. Bubble. As expected, the attack doesn’t do much damage, but it somehow creates a smoke! You know, the cheap trick where all attacks result into smoke to make them look badass? That’s right. Suddenly, Tyrunt makes a huge jump (under Rasta’s commands), above the smoke, and even Frog Jesus and fires off a… DRACO METEOR! Meteors start falling into the ground, hitting all the shadow clones (including the Messiah himself). Unfortunately this proved too much for Frog Jesus to handle, and, after the smoke cleared, He was found lying on the ground unconscious, with His legs wide open.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
To knock out the nature defying Messiah just like that… This tiny dinosaur must be pretty tough after all! Rasta takes pride on Tyrunt’s legs, Rock Tomb and Draco Meteor, but this isn’t enough to discourage the brainless Ashy boy! The stronger the opponent, the more fun the battle! ALL HAIL COCKFIGHTING!
Ash is ready to climb any wall he faces, and sends out his next Pokemon… Fletchling?! Using a tiny little and barely trained bird in a Rock type Gym, and against such a strong opponent is only asking for trouble; he’ll do nothing but hurt it. Regardless, the battle goes on, and Ash orders a Razor Wind, while Tyrunt counters with Crunch and… literally ate the move?! Ash calls for a Double Team, this time with Fletchling, and goes straight for the dwarf with Steel Wing. Tyrunt jumps up again, retaliating with Dragon Tail, hitting all the shadow clones while in the air, because fuck gravity (hey, another outlaw!), before getting directly hit by the real bird’s Steel Wing. Tyrunt didn’t budge an inch, however, and immediately hit back with Dragon Tail, knocking the bird out, AGAIN with the legs wide open.
This birdy bird may be so birdy bird that its fukken’ eye is another bird, but this ultra birdiness didn’t help it much in this Gym. Also, Tyrunt seems much more powerful than Onix. Despite the Great James’ past claims, it seems that size doesn’t really matter after all! For Pokemon, at least. So, what the hell was James thinking back then?!!
Now it’s all up to Pikachu. Thanks to Fletchling (and Frog Jesus - He fainted for Ash’s bullshit!), Ash now knows all of Tyrunt’s moves. On the other hand, Pikachu is an Electric type, while Tyrunt is half-Dragon type, theoretically giving Tyrunt the advantage, and Rock Tomb Climb won’t work against Draco Meteor, or so Rasta thinks. The final part of the battle starts, Pikachu goes straight for Tyrunt with a Quick Attack, while mini dinosaur does the same with Crunch…..
FUCK YOU TPCi, PUSA, PUSSY (Pokemon of United States Screw You), OR WHATEVER YOU’RE CALLED!
YOU SCRIMPY BASTARDS, DOES IT COST THAT MUCH TO ASK FOR PERMISSION IN ORDER TO USE THEBATTLE THEME?
Ah… ‘Muricans…
For those who don’t know, the
Battle Theme was playing during the battle between Pikachu and Tyrunt in the original Japanese version, but those cheap ‘Muricans wouldn’t throw a little more budget to be allowed to keep the awesome music in the dub!
Anyway, Pikachu jumps upon the little-but-powerful Tyrannosaurus’ head at the last second, which switches to Draco Meteor. The yellow rat strikes Tyrunt with Iron Tail on the head, and subsequently goes straight for Draco Meteor… with Draco Meteor climb! Yes, Pikachu strikes the meteorites one by one with Iron Tail, while jumping higher and higher, just like Frog Jesus did with Rock Tomb. Tyrunt jumps up high, going after Pikachu with a Dragon Tail, which collides with the electric rat’s still intact Iron Tail.
Neither side is giving in, and Rasta decides to wrap this up with his favourite move - Rock Tomb, but Ash is ready for it. He has Pikachu deflect the rocks with Iron Tail,
which causes Tyrunt to roar at it in anger, when…
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! This is what you get for not keeping your cool and wildly barking at everything that pisses you off, bitch!
Ash finishes this off with HIS favourite move: The good old Thunderbolt! It scores a direct hit, which knocks the angry dwarf out, causing it to spit smoke from its mouth, just like Rasta does before he starts climbing a wall and talking shit when nobody’s watching.
THEY FINALLY WON! Everyone is happy, Pikachu collapses into the ground exhausted, and so does Clemont, while throwing the epic quote: Aah! Dat Ash never ceases to amaze me!
The twerps go to congratulate Ash, (Clemont with a nerdy run for such a short distance), and then the usual bullshit follows… Blah blah blah… Excellent work… Blah blah blah… You were awesome… Blah blah blah… Worked together… Blah blah blah… Friendship… Blah blah blah… Earned victory…
Finally, Rasta approaches with hands wide open to… hand the Cliff Badge over to Ash. So, Ash has earned his second Badge, after an amazing battle, but now? What is his next destination? Has he decided yet? Nope! Don’t sweat it, though! Serena suggests the Shalour City Gym! It also has the Tower of Mastery, which she shows on her Town Map…
Hey! I call this bullshit! Clemont also has a Town Map (remember?), but they discarded it, so they could give Serena some use, while she actually is practically useless. As if this was not infuriating enough, she says that she ALWAYS wanted to go see the Tower of Mastery! Like Mega Evolution is much of your business! Ah, forget it. I’m getting tired (and tiring!) of this nonsense!
Rasta says that Ash might have a different battle experience in the Shalour Gym than his typical Gym battle. He can guarantee that the Gym Leader will be a fierce wall for Ash to climb…
Yeah, Grant, all that is good, but, why don’t you tell us how many fillers the viewers have to put up with until then instead?
So, it’s settled then! The twerps are about to set off to Shalour City! Everyone is excited; it will be fun, more andventures (HOPEFULLY not boring), while Clemont wonders what kind of Gym it is. Rasta immediately changes the subject, of course, and suggests a rematch at the Battle Chateau! There is one problem, though. If Ash wants to have a rematch, he must earn the title of Grand Duke! Okay, let me see Ash as a Grand Duke, and then I can die in peace!
Ash is confident; that is another part of becoming a Pokemon Master (if only he remembered what that means). But now the Chateau is not of primary importance. The twerps are heading for Shalour City first, and, to find out where they will be heading next, we must keep track of their journey, be it awesome episodes like this, or boring as fuck fillers. In other words, there is a long, long journey…
BEST QUOTES
Clemont: “Aah! Dat Ash never ceases to amaze me!”
